falling

slipping...
down a tunnel
sliding...
down the spout
tripping
into the clouds
tripping.
jumping feet first into a well
jumping.
headed...
for certain death
or
infinite pleasure.
running...
while running away i start
slipping away.
falling...
falling...
Falling.
Yet never hitting the bottom,
only to climb up the sides of the well,
Never to reach the top.

Wednesday Night Open Mic at Uncle Bourbon's

Hello Friends!

I've begun hosting an open mic night at Uncle Bourbon's on Staten Island. Wednesdays at 9pm sharp.

http://www.unclebourbon.com/index.php/events-3/?event_id=33

See the above link for info. It's a great time in an amazing atmosphere and the food is delicious!

Hope to see all of my local friends there!

Much Love,
Keri

inDecision

cloudy water




broken mind



hurt back



i sleep on the floor



because i left without my couch,



without a bed,



with many doubts



clouding my head.



i've dyed my hair,



died those thousand deaths



to try and speak but fall mute.



My voice fades because xmas was



3 days


in bed


alone



broken



again.



Dark with demons



half living half dead



were they there



or did sugared pills just mess with my head?



i've writhed for years in everyone's pain



and those popped corks and lines of courage



up the sinus twist my brain.



i'll trade you



i'd date you



i will love you from afar,



but i will never tell you



never force it



lest it break and be less fun to wonder about.



the door will be open



come on over



just come in



tension so god damn thick you can swim in it.



i couldn't do it.


in the past i would have run those 2.8 miles on foot.



hit it then quit it.



spread legs



split hearts



break them



broken



zero further thought at all,



in the past you'd hear me laugh as you fall.




that's not me anymore.



i want what i want



but can't do it so please



close and lock the fucking door.







at least shut me out so i don't wander in



and want to make you tell me the truth



we can't say.



in blood and ink and shit those EYES



but don't do it.



don't even think about going through it



do



not



think.







It's not how i want to live



in



inDecision



unDefinition



but i do.



i can't hide anything



my face says what my voice misses



the filter is wearing thin.







wanting to just try it



take it from the nowhere it lives and fuck it back to life



smiling finally



never laughing



no more hurt or inDecision



as we



all



fall



down



together.

Winter Friend

What is a friend?

A friend is someone who tells you they love you,
supports you when you are sad or down,

A friend is someplace you can go
WITHOUT interruptions,

A Friend is red wine in a snowstorm and a smile,
laughing our way through supermarket aisles to find
coconut white chocolate and kom-bu-cha.

A friend is hot cocoa that overflows with marshmallows
and a smile on a child's face.

Unabashed love
support
non judgement.

As I make these notes I am surrounded by them
these friends who actually mean it,
and they don't leave they inspire me.

I always prayed deeply for solitude.
I should have prayed for solace.
Solitude sucks.

It hurts after just one week,
one month or three,
like a beating,
a murder,
indecision maybe.

There's a place I used to go called the Nest.
only me and a few friends would. venture. underneath. and in.
Irony in it's name, the Nest.
But given the way that family can hurt us too,
it takes a Nest
to leave the nest
to lose the best
forget the mess
and swallow your anger and pain.

Grew indifference yes I did.
spewed hate and
mad
and
sad
for show.
However, now I know
I would never
ever
be who I am
if I had walked without a Winter Friend.

Twas the NOW before Xmas

I know all about now.
I want what I want and that would be now.
I want you to want it
I need you to want me like a cheesy song from 1982.

But now that you do...
I don't know where to take it.
Believe me I want to take it,
and I will...but where?

She told me she watched you watching me.
I knew you were there.
I felt every second.
I held your gaze for a flicker under stage lights.

She said you were salivating.
"In fact, he was like a wolf. His teeth were out."

Sitting
staring
salivating
as I
spoke
slowly
sweating
trying not to stumble over
my words as they
threaten to choke me.

I speak the way I do because I see how you are.
I know how this feels.
I feel it now.
I know all about now.

You sit and stare,
salivate
contemplate.
I stand and sway...
dizzy with the heat of your gaze.

I want to do what's taboo
because I know you do too,
and I see where and how but...
not sure about the who,
are you?

I should not be telling you this!
I should not speak it aloud.
But this is what I do 3 days before Christmas
I take the taboo and I run with it.
Say fuck it and have fun with it.

I want what you want: to be happy and sane
one day without tears,
like summer when it rains.
I wish to look up and see you walk in FOR ME.

I want to show Christmas an example:
a shine on a dime
a piece of peace,
a sparkly sample of what should be
what could be
but will never be...

OR maybe
just wait till next year because its only one more week away.

New Year's Eve 2010

12am rings a bell and we sit
toast
laugh
sing
and smoke.
Dance, laugh, throw up our hands at last year's absurdity.

Names like Cupcake, Cookiepants and plaid plaid Chone.
There 's a Turtle, a Ghostbuster and a boxer in the house,
I want the ginger and the cherry and I'm not the only one,
in creeps Angela like a sexy little mouse.
Laurie likes it and the Duke: diamond congratulations to your new life as a spouse.

There is a Case in the place banging bongos and we sing,
Kareoke-ing our way into bigger brighter things.
2 new friends from the A to the J,
a sneeze from Mac like cheese,
and in strolls Jose B?
...later maybe.

When 12 strikes struck
fill up our cups
balls drop
people kiss
grab hugs
and eat pepperoni on Bizkits.

Friends are what saves this season
from instability and tears that threaten stealing our reason.
Don't question it or second guess it,
or even wonder who why when.
All you need on this eve
are the people sitting here beside you.
friends
drinks
dance
don't think
just shake that ass.
Sing your hearts out like you just can't give a fuck.
What's the worst,
trust me it's release... it doesn't always hurt.

Toast your girl and dance with your man
if that isn't happening just take pics with the fam.
Think talk write sing,
do whatever you do...
No Worries New year's Eve,
We will see it all on You Tube.

"Just rinse 'em out. We don't need no soap."
                                               -SC
"Don't even rinse mine. Just pour it in."
                                               -AF

Deluded Birthday Wishes

Writing backwards on a graded test,
writing this every day of my life.
Waiting for a day when I would want to write anything down again,
anything besides a tale of a city of fallen wooden bridges.

12:01 and I get home and get to write.
It's been gone and I hear 50 and Shady while drinking a Budweiser can...
cuz I can
and

It only matters that I am here
on my own but not.
I'm all over everywhere just to try to find some peace,
but it's too strong a piece of...

maybe I just might want and need a piece but parallel is my specialty.
running alongside the truth till it breaks onto the road like a deer in the lights
and fucks up my car with no remorse.

yeah I get it.
I see how it feels because I've lost people too and we meld in that way.
we fit like LEGOs
like Jenga
like interlocking blocks that can't fall over when pushed.

I've been...overwhelmed.
more love friends hurt joy loss pain emotional overload
in seven small months.
more than I've seen in YEARS.

I hate when they distort what I say just because this is "bizarre shit that people can't handle"
I hate that I say it and then it gets censored
I hate when the words come out wrong.
I hate that another year has passed in this fucked up way.

We sometimes agree and you always made jokes about the 90s,
my favorite songs,
all my sneakers that you stare at in disbelief,
and when we get along its because of that little bit of black lace...REALLY?

That's what it takes?
just...lace?
amazing.

Now I see what matters
we know how it gets shattered and
twisted and ripped...like the lace.
No matter what happens we know what matters,
killing headlights drifting down the mountain while drowning in whiskey.

It was my birthday.
You asked me what I wanted to hear.
I wasn't thinking about music.
I wasn't thinking about streaming fucking mp3s.
I would've loved a compliment.

Instead i say,
Eminem I guess.
I know its like a compensation but truth is,
you don't know me so well.
Months are not years
and years it has been,
since I've had a piece of peace and the ability to embrace
my
self
descended.

After years of blindness I can see it like a bloody knife after a murder.
Some truth peeks out from under the ratty couch cushions.
Behind the baby blues and the "feel for me" look you give me,
I see love.
I really do.

The issue was never not enough love.
It was always so much more.
There is always love in me but not always on the right path.
killer smiles,
comforting hugs,
love was always with me.

But that's it.
That's all there is for us:
love,
looks,
lace,
Bud from a can,
rice and beans
an occasional pizza...
but that's it.

That's it?
Well then I guess I'll say good night.
It was MY birthday and we lived YOUR life.
For a whole day I lost myself in you and I loved it.
But I will never
Ever.
lose
myself
again.