inDecision

cloudy water




broken mind



hurt back



i sleep on the floor



because i left without my couch,



without a bed,



with many doubts



clouding my head.



i've dyed my hair,



died those thousand deaths



to try and speak but fall mute.



My voice fades because xmas was



3 days


in bed


alone



broken



again.



Dark with demons



half living half dead



were they there



or did sugared pills just mess with my head?



i've writhed for years in everyone's pain



and those popped corks and lines of courage



up the sinus twist my brain.



i'll trade you



i'd date you



i will love you from afar,



but i will never tell you



never force it



lest it break and be less fun to wonder about.



the door will be open



come on over



just come in



tension so god damn thick you can swim in it.



i couldn't do it.


in the past i would have run those 2.8 miles on foot.



hit it then quit it.



spread legs



split hearts



break them



broken



zero further thought at all,



in the past you'd hear me laugh as you fall.




that's not me anymore.



i want what i want



but can't do it so please



close and lock the fucking door.







at least shut me out so i don't wander in



and want to make you tell me the truth



we can't say.



in blood and ink and shit those EYES



but don't do it.



don't even think about going through it



do



not



think.







It's not how i want to live



in



inDecision



unDefinition



but i do.



i can't hide anything



my face says what my voice misses



the filter is wearing thin.







wanting to just try it



take it from the nowhere it lives and fuck it back to life



smiling finally



never laughing



no more hurt or inDecision



as we



all



fall



down



together.