Attraversiamo / Missing MPS

Attraversiamo.

Fresh from watching a film about a woman who learns to embrace her own life and live it, I can't help but smile at some of the events I've experienced over the past few months. Knowing what you want is not something that comes easily...especially when you avoid what you really want for so long. It takes an immense amount of time for people to do this thing. They like to call it "finding themselves" but mostly, they are just getting more and more lost in the lives of others. I say "they" with absolutely no particular faces in my mind, and maybe I mean "we" or "I" but whatever I mean is not what matters.

People travel, they take planes and hikes and trains and journeys to places so remote they feel like they want to jump off the edge of the earth. And that's fine. Traveling is good. Experiences in various locations, with various cultures, a rainbow of emotions, full bucket lists, and years and years of living. People get married and divorced, have babies and take care of them, and eventually, those babies grow up and do the same. It's a cycle. During the cycle there are so many possiblilties that people are simply blown away by the beauty of it all.

Thinking about the past year I literally get a headache. I have been back in the town I grew up in for almost five months, and in that time I've realized a ton of things that I think I may have already known and not wanted to see. I've learned a lot of new things that I know will help me to grow and be this stronger woman I have become. I have forgotten over the years that there are certain things that prompted me to leave this place, and have met them all again as well. Thinking about how very much I have learned, and how much memory has enveloped me since I've come back, there is a vivid rainbow of raw emotion and a world of feeling that I can't even begin to put into words. But...and there's always a but, there is also a blankness. I mean this in a positive way for now...I think; even though it may not always have a positive impact, or it may not always feel positive in the everday sense of things.

My life has become a blank canvas that I can't wait to paint.

I went shopping for art supplies with a friend yesterday. I walked through aisles of brushes and colors and pastels and spraycans and markers and pencils. It was beauty. It was creativity waiting on platforms to be lifted in hands that tell stories in ink and paint and strokes and loops and curvy spirals that caress the corneas of onlookers. At the end of each aisle were stacks and stacks of blank canvas: pure white with gesso waiting to just be loved with color and inspiration. I recalled being fifteen, staring at my first big canvas, thinking about where to begin. Would it be a landscape? End up a portrait? Abstract squiggles? My boyfriend's graffiti name and that little smiley with the tongue sticking out that he painted on my bookbag...

*****
MPS  

Flash to one of a thousand fall  days in 1992, 93 or 94: I remembered smoking on the steps of the art room watching my Swatch between fourteen hole Docs untill it was time to run down the hill and get a flannel coated hug and kiss when he skated up to the gate. I remembered crossing Victory Boulevard to Silver Lake where we would write and laugh and kiss and smoke and be teenagers in the grass; watching ducks waddle and honk, squirrels frolic joggers run, water lapping, rocks skipping, sky darken...dreading getting on separate busses but knowing we would always have tomorrow...

I remember being mesmerized by the ability he had to stay inside the lines, spraying  with such precision and the skill with which he kick flipped and how his maroon Converses matched my thrift store dress and his polka dot tie when we got persuaded to go to a semi-formal even though we didn't fit with the rich kids. I remember at my 16th birthday debacle he gave me a card with a hefty 500 bux in monopoly dough and it was the sweetest gift I ever got.

I recall pain on his face as I tearfully told a story of my own remorse and our connection wavered for a few moments but never died. We both lost so much, gave so much, learned from each other in a way I never knew again...and hope I never will because to lose that again...unrepairable.

The fall of the year he was supposed to come back, we sat in a cemetary and carved our names in a tree, smoked a blunt and swore that when summer came we would try to be adults and try to repair the damage everyone else had inflicted on our two broken hearts. We would keep writing filling black and whites, look at the same stars every night, fill our hearts with hope for what's next despite all the messy interference we both ran for years of self destruction. We would get on planes when he got off the road and see things we dreamed about and surf and cliff dive and explore caves there was so much. So much we wanted to do.

But he never made it back. So I ran away again and again and again.

As I sit scrawling daily in fitful bursts of electric memories, I feel like there are so many important things we learn from the people we love, the people we lose, and they learn from us too. But I guess what's most valuable, most precious, most dear, is that we always remember if it's at all possible not to lose them in the first place, we should never let them go. Because when we think someone is gone, they aren't really gone until you can never see them again...

goodnight dear heart i know you still hear me.

claustro-manic vacancy

i crashed my car last night
as snow blanketed and buried.
flakes coating streets already unsafe in so many ways
sliding backways and sidewards.

a cab driver was robbed on my corner last week.
i woke up to detectives at my door.
hard working man gets beat half dead for money
outside my window twenty minutes after i got home.

if it's at all possible the world is getting even smaller
walls press in like sides of a cardboard box studded with tacks.
top flaps keep slicing my eyes like manila paper cuts under a fingernail
not enough packing tape in the world to close up these wounds.

my uninsulated windows let in the cold
while project heat forces naked slumber and cold pillows shield my eyes.
blinds broken and too thin to keep out the days i just want over.
kitchen floor crumbles daily--shards of linoleum pierce my feet.

i had a conversation with a man who broke my friend
not knowing with whom i spoke i thanked him for the drink.
i smiled when he said i was beautiful
and we danced in a sweaty group of thirty like teenagers.

boy with blue eyes talks about love
then leaves town while i break.
soulmate comforts with voice but follows with veiled insult
the one i want to laugh with prefers anonymity drenched in miscommunication.

constant blaring rock music shouts from the house across the street
no band was playing when i was looking for a place to lay my head.
a friend called me a hoodrat at heart the other day
i can't say i would disagree.

i stayed in bed all day today
ate my bowl of cereal reading friends poetry
and writing my own through a shroud of tears and tears and tears
the wind shakes my windows and sobs shake my shrinking frame.

fairweather friend sends me videos of her greyhound at the dog park with my pitbull
my heart shatters every time i turn the key in my door and there is nothing.
no ecstatic red nose waiting for his mom to snuggle with
there is only an empty space where his cushioned brown corduroy bed belongs.

a purple candle in the scent of shiraz was sent careening across the rug one night
spilling violent beautiful wax that i stare at every day.
there is no couch no chairs no table no pitbull no home feeling
but plenty of room to fuck on the carpet.

beautiful 3-D artwork adorns a wall with cracks and stains
a fraction of my thousand books rest their sacred leaves atop my fridge.
dollar store curtains do nothing to shield me from danger because danger
is myself in this state in this mind in this place in this world i can't seem to crawl out of.

gusts and gales hit these unstable panes and i feel like dying
i feel like erasing the past year of my life and i take out my pencil to do just that
and someone has chewed the fucker to bits probably while rolling on E.
so i stare at the wall and wait for tomorrow.

i contemplate how the people i feel close to i have known for short burts of time filled with life
how the people i feel far from ask me why i'm a trainwreck,
and why i'm so sad,
and why did i leave and why am i back here and why and why and why.

i don't have these answers and i don't want to feel far from home
i despise the distance and the drafty windows, 
the broken floors and the miscommunication but i need them all
just like i need air and water and sex and wine and books and pens and ... and you.

falling

slipping...
down a tunnel
sliding...
down the spout
tripping
into the clouds
tripping.
jumping feet first into a well
jumping.
headed...
for certain death
or
infinite pleasure.
running...
while running away i start
slipping away.
falling...
falling...
Falling.
Yet never hitting the bottom,
only to climb up the sides of the well,
Never to reach the top.

Wednesday Night Open Mic at Uncle Bourbon's

Hello Friends!

I've begun hosting an open mic night at Uncle Bourbon's on Staten Island. Wednesdays at 9pm sharp.

http://www.unclebourbon.com/index.php/events-3/?event_id=33

See the above link for info. It's a great time in an amazing atmosphere and the food is delicious!

Hope to see all of my local friends there!

Much Love,
Keri

inDecision

cloudy water




broken mind



hurt back



i sleep on the floor



because i left without my couch,



without a bed,



with many doubts



clouding my head.



i've dyed my hair,



died those thousand deaths



to try and speak but fall mute.



My voice fades because xmas was



3 days


in bed


alone



broken



again.



Dark with demons



half living half dead



were they there



or did sugared pills just mess with my head?



i've writhed for years in everyone's pain



and those popped corks and lines of courage



up the sinus twist my brain.



i'll trade you



i'd date you



i will love you from afar,



but i will never tell you



never force it



lest it break and be less fun to wonder about.



the door will be open



come on over



just come in



tension so god damn thick you can swim in it.



i couldn't do it.


in the past i would have run those 2.8 miles on foot.



hit it then quit it.



spread legs



split hearts



break them



broken



zero further thought at all,



in the past you'd hear me laugh as you fall.




that's not me anymore.



i want what i want



but can't do it so please



close and lock the fucking door.







at least shut me out so i don't wander in



and want to make you tell me the truth



we can't say.



in blood and ink and shit those EYES



but don't do it.



don't even think about going through it



do



not



think.







It's not how i want to live



in



inDecision



unDefinition



but i do.



i can't hide anything



my face says what my voice misses



the filter is wearing thin.







wanting to just try it



take it from the nowhere it lives and fuck it back to life



smiling finally



never laughing



no more hurt or inDecision



as we



all



fall



down



together.

Winter Friend

What is a friend?

A friend is someone who tells you they love you,
supports you when you are sad or down,

A friend is someplace you can go
WITHOUT interruptions,

A Friend is red wine in a snowstorm and a smile,
laughing our way through supermarket aisles to find
coconut white chocolate and kom-bu-cha.

A friend is hot cocoa that overflows with marshmallows
and a smile on a child's face.

Unabashed love
support
non judgement.

As I make these notes I am surrounded by them
these friends who actually mean it,
and they don't leave they inspire me.

I always prayed deeply for solitude.
I should have prayed for solace.
Solitude sucks.

It hurts after just one week,
one month or three,
like a beating,
a murder,
indecision maybe.

There's a place I used to go called the Nest.
only me and a few friends would. venture. underneath. and in.
Irony in it's name, the Nest.
But given the way that family can hurt us too,
it takes a Nest
to leave the nest
to lose the best
forget the mess
and swallow your anger and pain.

Grew indifference yes I did.
spewed hate and
mad
and
sad
for show.
However, now I know
I would never
ever
be who I am
if I had walked without a Winter Friend.

Twas the NOW before Xmas

I know all about now.
I want what I want and that would be now.
I want you to want it
I need you to want me like a cheesy song from 1982.

But now that you do...
I don't know where to take it.
Believe me I want to take it,
and I will...but where?

She told me she watched you watching me.
I knew you were there.
I felt every second.
I held your gaze for a flicker under stage lights.

She said you were salivating.
"In fact, he was like a wolf. His teeth were out."

Sitting
staring
salivating
as I
spoke
slowly
sweating
trying not to stumble over
my words as they
threaten to choke me.

I speak the way I do because I see how you are.
I know how this feels.
I feel it now.
I know all about now.

You sit and stare,
salivate
contemplate.
I stand and sway...
dizzy with the heat of your gaze.

I want to do what's taboo
because I know you do too,
and I see where and how but...
not sure about the who,
are you?

I should not be telling you this!
I should not speak it aloud.
But this is what I do 3 days before Christmas
I take the taboo and I run with it.
Say fuck it and have fun with it.

I want what you want: to be happy and sane
one day without tears,
like summer when it rains.
I wish to look up and see you walk in FOR ME.

I want to show Christmas an example:
a shine on a dime
a piece of peace,
a sparkly sample of what should be
what could be
but will never be...

OR maybe
just wait till next year because its only one more week away.

New Year's Eve 2010

12am rings a bell and we sit
toast
laugh
sing
and smoke.
Dance, laugh, throw up our hands at last year's absurdity.

Names like Cupcake, Cookiepants and plaid plaid Chone.
There 's a Turtle, a Ghostbuster and a boxer in the house,
I want the ginger and the cherry and I'm not the only one,
in creeps Angela like a sexy little mouse.
Laurie likes it and the Duke: diamond congratulations to your new life as a spouse.

There is a Case in the place banging bongos and we sing,
Kareoke-ing our way into bigger brighter things.
2 new friends from the A to the J,
a sneeze from Mac like cheese,
and in strolls Jose B?
...later maybe.

When 12 strikes struck
fill up our cups
balls drop
people kiss
grab hugs
and eat pepperoni on Bizkits.

Friends are what saves this season
from instability and tears that threaten stealing our reason.
Don't question it or second guess it,
or even wonder who why when.
All you need on this eve
are the people sitting here beside you.
friends
drinks
dance
don't think
just shake that ass.
Sing your hearts out like you just can't give a fuck.
What's the worst,
trust me it's release... it doesn't always hurt.

Toast your girl and dance with your man
if that isn't happening just take pics with the fam.
Think talk write sing,
do whatever you do...
No Worries New year's Eve,
We will see it all on You Tube.

"Just rinse 'em out. We don't need no soap."
                                               -SC
"Don't even rinse mine. Just pour it in."
                                               -AF