Whence Come My Own Inspired Words

Recently I read at an open mic in NYC called The Inspired Word. A wonderful photographer was there taking pictures and here, suddenly, are some professional images I can actually see. I decided to insert them in my blog because seeing these make me appreciate how far I have come to be standing amongst these talented, amazing, writers. I know I always try to appreciate things as they happen, but sometimes the aftershock is just amazing. I feel lucky as hell these days.

As I have gone through so much in the past months I realize a few things. First, I think I was really close to losing my voice, and knew it for a long while. I would love to instantly say that I never would have let it happen completely. However given my past instances of self-destruction, I can't really lie to myself-never could. That said, I think it's the best thing that ever happened career-wise and one of the best things in my life because it makes everything painful slightly more bearable. Even when I arise at 6am knowing I have to spend a day in Newark with kids who don't want to be there... I know myself a tiny bit better. I can deal with things I never thought I could.

Sometimes when I get up in the middle of the night, exhausted after hours of half-sleep filled with panic and uncertainty I think "Where am I?" only to realize how many miles there are between here and where I need to be. Sometimes I wake up wiping tears from my eyes as I try to remember what was so funny and how I actually woke up from laughter...believe me this is all brand new. Occasionally I roll over to an empty pillow and think about how much time has passed and it feels like last week that it snowed: blizzard style around a conversation about dogs. I think so much about what has motivated me to keep going, keep writing, just do what I need to do to feel ok, and to know for sure what I love.

For most of my life if anyone tried to take my pen from me, I would attempt to state, "Is it not obvious I can't even form thoughts without that? I need that to speak, to exist, to be whole." Yet nothing would actually get spoken. Silence would surround me sarcophagus style as I clawed at cage bars for words to speak. It was quite severe how I physically could not form words when I needed to. Inadequately cringing around ground teeth, knotted stomach, stabbing pain in chest, thinking but never able to say what I felt. I would stare, holding my breath and maybe even walk away from things that were too much to handle. Usually I would run and want nothing more than to scream out what was on my mind but never could. Speech was robbed from me like money left on a bar, like confidence thrown in the street and run over by a truck with nine pairs of wheels.

Something has happened to me. I can say what I want to say, and I love it. Things have become so much better as other things simultaneously dissolved...it's all brand new. Granted there are still obstacles but they have become fewer and almost minor now. Seriously deflated is the huge stressful raptor that was flashing me glinted teeth as I cried on benches in the park every day with my dog. Yet again inspiration has saved my life from the hot exhalations of that monster that breaks me over and over again. If I hadn't had the past five months in the way that I have, I would not be sitting here typing out a blog while steadily employed, driving my own new car, having a plan, surrounded with love, overcoming confusion, tossing aside the self-doubt that kept me quiet so long.

I think I just need to say thank you as much as possible. Luckily those words are always ready to be exhaled from my lips and I'm pretty happy to have moved on from only being able to respond when asked what I was thinking with "I need a pen."