Lightning in my Eyes

I can't seem to scrawl fast enough as my pen flies,
headphones throb,
lightning hits my lawn.
It pours and I love it.
It hurts and I'm in it.
I go anyway and it's like having the best idea I ever had over and over again.
I love it.
It's all like a waterfall I can't swim in but I'm jumping in feet first so fuck it.
This is my day.

All of a sudden something happens: a record,
lyrics,
a memory flash,
A literal bolt of sky fire lands five feet from me.
I feel the static,
see the flash,
smell the ozone: n a r r o w  m i s s.

I'm alive again.

What did it take?
Well I thought not much but now...
yeah this is all so very much...
it's everything,
a touch
a thought
an idea that was brief but not anymore.

Knowing what I want and taking.
taking.
taking.
No that's not all: giving too,
giving.
giving.
and giving until i break.
But breaking now is fine: breaking good
flipped it on ya didn't I.

I took a walk that turned into a run
and for months now
just running and thinking
feet pounding this paved path
knowing not where I'm going but seeing rain
washes me clean and masks the tears that I used to lose every day.
Getting stronger and faster and knowing it's inevitable,
Time used to seem like it was running out but really it was just letting me know:
there was so much more of it.

I'm alive now.

For years and years walking around thinking nothing's coming,
nothing else and nothing new,
nothing ever to take away this hurt and pain and
red
yellow
orange
green
purple
blue.

There was a deep hole that lived inside my head,
needing to be filled and listening to whatever everyone else did and said.
there was an empty place in my heart left by my missing three,
but no matter no more
that place is getting filled up new now
inside me.

No more tears every morning wondering why should I bother
no over-thinking and playing out dreams that don't matter,
So much came from nothing and I've been here all along,
it's just a shame you didn't hear me when I purposefully shut off that song.

Something made me press pause on my voice and I almost lost it.
I feel like these words can't be enough because I was almost gone,
there's rebirth and resurgence and I'll never lose it again.
Soulful not sorrowful,

I am not sorry.

I'm thankful that magic happens when I step on a stage,
spew out these thoughts
and leave someone wondering what comes next.
I always say I never know but I think that's not all true,
There could be so much that happens just based on all this.

You have no idea how much it means when someone looks me in the eye and actually asks.
You have no idea how much it hurts to think of more things we might lose and more things I just can't do.
But yes you do.
I used to believe it but not now.
I know you know too...and if you recall,
When you thought it and I said I know it too...
well who needs words then?
I always do.

I am alive again.

No more crying over shit that doesn't matter because there's nothing else to do,
there is always something else to do...
but that doesn't even matter,
what's done is done and once it's done
its like a war,
this war,
my war is won.
Warring for years with myself to try and figure it out
well take a look,
it's all out.
Once it's out it won't go back in.

It's out and I'm still alive.

We can go around being scared,
saying no,
playing it safe
and wondering what would have been
but we wouldn't know then would we,
wouldn't know and wouldn't care.
It doesn't matter if it hasn't happened,
running scared of what...
some rain?
The fiction factor?
Masks we have to use because the truth is too much pain,
Lies and wasted years and words that don't mean anything because they get used up so quick,
Time that was important once but now it doesn't matter so much
just stagnates and makes me see
how clean the rain has washed my eyes.

I won't comprehend and won't dwell on why
it always fell back into the same patterns
and we let it like sheep,
we let it like cattle and blind leading blind.
Like walking in icy rain without a towel
no blankets on a concrete bed with only a prayer for clear skies
that never worked because it's pouring so hard.
Like a plastic bracelet cold on my skin with a metal strip,
shows them my name but they need to see this
more than my birthday or reason for admission,
Like nothing I can imagine,
nothing I've seen and nowhere I've even been
that's how much I want to find the answer.

I know there is so much more and in time it will get free.
I kept wondering why I even stood where I stood
sat where i sat
slept where i slept
and now it seems pointless because here we are
here i stand
here i sit
here i try despite lightning to sleep

Knowing all I know I can't fathom why:
we would sit in the drizzle like a sprinkler,
drink from a fountain that has no pressure,
stand in the rain staring numbly in the window,
look to skies without answers when the clouds were so low,
settle for a sun-shower when the lightning was waiting the whole damn time?

I've got lightning in my eyes,
Fire in my pen,
Venom on my lips as i spit these words,
No doubts much pain,
Zero regret,
Plenty of rain.
And I'm not leaving.

Why would I possibly leave:

When we could have all the lightning we want and all we have to do to get it is be here.