Discomfort

As I sit in my living room; this false refuge, thinking about how I was recently connived into spending time with some people I was totally unprepared for intense conversation with, I recall how many, many times in the past I used to just get up and leave when things were too heavy to bear. Whenever something was uncomfortable, I would gather my belongings, run through the enormous list of excuses in my head, pick one at random...and just...run. If there was something being discussed that made me feel the yuck, or someone present I couldn't stand to be near...I was out of there. No questions, no five more minutes I'll be nice...just outta there.

Here's the kicker, during this recent bout of discomfort, my sneakers were tapping anxiously and my fingers spun the ends of my hair in wobbly circles as I thought about making a run for it. I sipped slowly on my tasty beverage, savored the small things that usually make it ok...but it was completely not ok anymore. I haven't had to think this hard about how to suppress the urge to flee in a while. Gossip flew and the "he said" "she said" bullshit ensued. Every time there was a nod in my direction with some comment attached like "Can you believe it?" I just sat numbly grimacing, holding on to the arms of my chair in a fit of needing so badly to run but somehow staying put. Was it courtesy? I honestly don't know. I wouldn't even go that far. Courtesy is not something I have ever been supremely influenced by, but it was something this time.

Lately I feel like I have this inability to settle. I just can't stay somewhere I don't want to be. If something is not right I just can't justify keeping it. If things are not smooth, and trust me, things have been treacherously craggy in the past--I just can't sit still anymore. But why have I endured and not run away in the past? Why is everything changing now? Well if I could say exactly what it is that's different, I would have become a self-help writer. Perhaps I would have become a guru to those who wallow in uncertainty and think about how they should have done things differently. Telling everyone what really matters and helping them to see what it is we all press on towards...but I really don't know. The horizon is really blurry lately and I simply don't have a plan. I don't know what will happen down the road anymore. A scary notion, yes...but no more settling just because it's not uncomfortable.

Granted, things are looking up these past few months. Some good stuff has happened in all areas of my life. Yet something is changing for me now. Something is developing...that's not even the right word. It's like the resurgence. When something comes rushing back and you realize you forgot it for so long. Something that you needed to blast into your life and punch you in the face screaming "fucking look at me and see how you've been missing something you need!" That says it a little better, but still, the words are not so easy to come by this time.

A rare occasion that I have no words...happens quite infrequently these days. All I know is that when it gets to the point of thinking something has got to give, something always seems to...well... give. I guess the main issue then becomes can I give back where it's most important? If the universe is aligned completely differently now, doesn't that rearrange all the priorities for me...doesn't that throw a wrench into the works? I can't say I have the answers to any of this. I just can't. However now that the door is cracked open I can't help but hope for a breeze to push it further and show me what's on the other side.