Brand New Day

For a while now I've been feeling like things are changing for the better. I always used to crunch my shoulders uncomfortably up to my ears and grind my teeth as I muttered internally: something's got to give, something's got to give, something's got to give. While thinking in this way, I would storm through the streets of the city--head down, full speed ahead with eyes averted. I can imagine that this presents quite a ridiculous image as I actually scoffed aloud while typing just now...but it's true. I think there is a lot to be said for letting stuff go. I always had some kind of grudge that I was holding, or even something that was really small and minor festering into an unnecessarily enormous and painful hole in my brain's smooth gray sheath.

While thinking about things that are good in my life now, I can actually say for the first time in a while that I have quite a long list. Not only is there a comprehensive list, but there are things on it that really matter...like friends I love dearly, and a career I actually enjoy. For years and years I went through the motions of working to pay bills and paying bills to remain in a perpetual state of just getting by. Why it is that we do such things for so long is a baffling conundrum indeed. If we work these jobs that are not related to a lifelong passion, or we do something that just happens to provide enough cash to pay rent and be social, a forgetting of sorts takes place. I see now that I forgot a little piece of myself for quite some time. That little piece eventually grew bigger, and was no longer an insignificant affair.

For almost a decade I was virtually leaking inspiration like a Novocaine-ridden cheek trying to grin. It took a very very long time to see just how much was missing, but when it happened, it happened really hard-really fast-and in a manner that almost shouldn't be discussed on a page. Life at the time was just vulgur. There was a plethora of anger...and infinite discontent. There was depression, anxiety, rage, deception and carelessness. These negative things did abound so much, in fact, that I was completely blind to what was lacking in my life...however, I refused to see it.

In general, there are a myriad of ways we pull the blinders down on ourselves day by day. There are tons of things that we do to numb the discontent; drawing the drapes on our suffering souls. Much of what we do is intentional, and some of it is not. However there tends to be a large amount of denial involved...and we tend not to see the denial until all this time has passed and we regret something. Perhaps it may not even be realized as regret, but a close call or maybe a rejection that hits particularly close to home. It happens differently for everyone, but it eventually happens. When I say that we are the ones who draw the drapes, drop the blinds, or however many expressions we use for it--I do assert that we do this to ourselves. Often...more often than not, we create disasters of our own making.

Realizing all of this at thirty something is not an easy task. Knowing that something did indeed give, is not a simple thing to accept. If I had been wishing for something to change and it finally has, well then...what do I wish for now? If the same state of mind was inhibiting my judgements and slapping me silly with "should haves," "could haves" and "would haves" as it always did, I wouldn't be able to answer that. But things have changed. Things have changed a lot. All of these questions and uncertainties that are no longer at the forefront of my brain have become distant memories. Things that once made my head hurt with the idea of "what if" and made me cringe thinking "what will people think" are now like a distant memory. I can say one thing for sure--it feels good to be inspired, to lose the insecurity blanket, and to just go with whatever life throws at me.

So what does this all mean? The beginning of a new era in my life has been a theme for me this year. There has been much ado about a couple of somethings instead of needless anxiety about plenty of nothing. I have come really far from the ledge that I would stare down from as I drank my morning coffee. Realizing it now, the ledge was huge, cracked, slanted and crumbling quicker than was ever necessary. Why see it now? I'm not sure. I guess since so many things have changed, priorities simply got rearranged. I'm told this is normal...but I can't say that we all know the same normal so I guess it just is what it is. I have to laugh when I use the old "it is what it is" because now I always want to follow it with "until you make it something better."

Ah inspiration is sweet. Reclaiming my identity from the trash pile that it lay dormant on for so long makes me feel good. Positivity is something I used to know; but lost for a good stretch of time. Loss and grief and pain and guilt--they are like those exasperating friends who leech all your energy out until you realize it is way too much maintenance to bear another day in that relationship. That's not a friendship--that's a travesty. It's nothing we should have to endure. Changing the way we thought we wanted life to go can be very unexpected. It can be quite nice and it even sometimes happens in a way that you need only savor the sweet without sharing. It can take the form of a new friendship, a first kiss, a snuggle with a puppy, a smile from someone who adores you, holding hands, hugging an old friend, taking a drive or having a coffee and quality conversation. Whatever form it takes, I urge you all to discover it. Uncover the things that you may have forgotten and live out loud while you still can.

I know. It's downright bizarre coming from this girl. I get it. This is all brand new. But so is everything. Not a moment goes by that I don't remember how bad it got, how sad we were, how painful it was to even walk down a certain street or hear a song. I avoided phone calls and emails and didn't return one message because of those negative things that took such a hold on my spirit and soul...but now...now I'm done with regrets. It's Spring. New start. Do what I want time. Thinking about things I want and going to get them. Trying new things, losing the bad habits, increasing the new positive ones, and loving every minute of this life because it's way too short to do otherwise.