Snow Days: Double Down

Two days snowed in, off work, and getting to a point where its enough to start seeing pavement appear. Sure its fun to stay inside...sort of. I've been about as productive workwise as i'm gonna be. Done some grading, some writing, painted the bathroom, hung some new cabinets, slayed the laundry monster and cooked a bunch of healthy meals. I do appreciate days off but (and there's always a but) I see now why I always have a schedule that's jam packed. I bring it on myself , way too much at a time, and then I live the shit out of it. That's all I can do. It's what I need.

Over the past week I've caught up on stuff that was falling behind, and managed to even get some rest. However, I think it's not so good for me to have downtime as much as I have had this week..unless people live near me more...which they don't...yet. And every time I write that--or something like it, I see what it is that's missing. And what's missing sucks. There's always been accessibility in my life. Not so much anymore. Feels like the damn sidewalk rolls up at night and I can't just stay still.

Living here has taken the part of me that I don't like to look at and put it on display, like a photo that's been blown up so big I can see pores and roots. There has been so much isolation and so much solitude in the last three point five years of Keriness it's like i'm in the octagon with my antithesis. I know it's good to get away from things that are sad, and things that hurt. Even too much good stuff can cause damage. But if anyone ever asked me what not to do; this is it. Don't leave everything you know really well at the same time. Don't even gradually get rid of everything you know well.

Maybe that's selfish, or maybe its not something people will get until they do something fundamentally wrong or at least painful. The other day I was reminded of a book I read that was aptly titled Wherever You Go, There You Are. It was all about meditating and staying in the moment. So therefore depression is in the past, anxiety is in the future (loosely) and there should not be any trauma in this moment. Sounds simple. Many simple people I know totally get it. They can practice it. Yet when your brain glides zoomily like a luge from the minute you sit up in panic out of deep dead sleep...it's not simple to practice the concept.

Last night I woke up at 4am holding my breath, wide awake and wired and feeling like I was in mid-marathon mode. Flight response kicked in. I had to get out of the room, and almost out of the house but I paused at the computer wrote some shit and got sucked in. I recently had dental work and realized that the crown that felt too tall and I was going to get readjusted is now ground flat like the rest of my teeth. I felt a shooting pain behind my eyes as I typed fervently and tried to purge this negativity. Then I began to wonder if it was really negative at all.

For months I couldn't write a word. I was swamped with editing revising grading commenting helping serving compromising and settling for less and less and less. If you think that's a mean thing to say it's not. I've often said I lost myself but really I just expanded to avoid the insides of a brain that works too hard. The go go go went to: I better not, which morphed into: get it over with, so fast that I didn't even see it happening till I was almost gone. Almost is the word that matters. It doesn't matter anymore if you get past the almost. Nothing would.

Ok morbidity aside, I think this is all good. When things start to inspire me I can't stop writing. I take pictures and run miles and will likely visit you in the near future. Personal reflection leads to revelation, and eventually, to the person you always were and may have lost a part of. But whatever we do we can always get back there. Now that I'm back to work tomorrow and have less time it will be a challenge but I think I have a lot of ideas on what's in the future. Especially since there is finally a chance that the future will not be here in solidarity.

Enough already see you on the dancefloor.