Letting It Out

Over the past week I've realized a great, big, giant, load of shit about myself. It's not exactly all new stuff, but it's certainly stuff that I had put aside for a while--traded in for a facade that is just...not me. I've spent time this week just listening to friends, letting my brain wander as much as it wants and just letting my creativity come out. I feel like I should say come back out, but it was never fully away I don't think.

Monday I visited a friend for lunch, and another friend later on, and ended up just hanging around talking and listening, talking and listening, etc etc etc. I started to laugh at one point and thought about how long it's been since my laugh was real and not forced. How long it's been since I smiled so big and thought about the past in a way that doesn't hurt. Normally I would just rant and lament why it's like that...but something clicked. I got it. I finally got it.

On Friday night I went to a book cafe and read some of my poetry. I went because I got back in touch with a friend; a part of my heart. So I go, thinking I'm not sure I even want to get up and read but I'll watch and listen and see how I feel. As soon as I crossed the bridge and walked in the door of the soothing shelves of pages and pages I felt something I haven't felt in over 3 years...calm and comforted. Then I met a bunch of really nice, really laid back people, sat back, had some coffee, watched and listened, read some poems and was suddenly not a wreck.

So I've been a wreck more often than not for a few years I gotta admit. I know it's all in perspective and that I can tell some amazing stories on paper, and I know that there is nothing I regret. Not one thing; not a day. Of course everyone has their fucked up time just as much as they have those things that are worthy of being in the stories on paper. I just have been realizing that without the fucked up, there would be no amazing.

Today I went to a friend's theater production and again saw some awesome talent. Got to see people I haven't seen and always think about. It was a really nice day. Then after that I went to an old favorite place and ate a cheeseburger and reminisced with another piece of my heart. I was relaxed again. And I thought about how long it has been since I felt so relaxed. I didn't even think about why, but stuff started to make sense.

I always hear people talking about places they used to live and left, saying, "Oh I would never go back there because of all the bad shit that happened." Trust me I get how everywhere you look something reminds you of being sad. But I'm also starting to get that no matter where you go you take all that bullshit baggage with you. So if you relocate, try out a new side of yourself that's not real, but fools people for a while, and just be stagnant and uncreative, you end up with what I had just a short while ago. Being stuck.

When my friend's daughter was little, she says one day, "Stucks!" and when I looked at her I realized she was talking about being strapped into her highchair and was not happy about it. "Stucks" she yelled. Then it later became "I stucks" at two, and then "I stuck" at three, though I'm not sure what it has trans-morphed into at five. It makes me understand a lot when kids do that. They are totally uncorrupted and they say something simple that just blows your mind wide open and you just can't believe you thought everything was so complicated.

What's the moral of this one you ask? Well I guess it's just that I am not going to be stuck anymore. Whatever that means (and believe me I'm not sure) I refuse to just go through the motions for one more minute. If I decide I want to do something I'm doing it. If something doesn't seem right, I'm saying so. If something doesn't work out when it was supposed to, well...everything happens for a reason. How is this different than the person I always was? It isn't. That's the point. Sometimes it takes a little time, but you always end up finding yourself again. You can go years without realizing you were stuck, but once you do...run your fastest and do NOT look over your shoulder.