Winter Friend

What is a friend?

A friend is someone who tells you they love you,
supports you when you are sad or down,

A friend is someplace you can go
WITHOUT interruptions,

A Friend is red wine in a snowstorm and a smile,
laughing our way through supermarket aisles to find
coconut white chocolate and kom-bu-cha.

A friend is hot cocoa that overflows with marshmallows
and a smile on a child's face.

Unabashed love
support
non judgement.

As I make these notes I am surrounded by them
these friends who actually mean it,
and they don't leave they inspire me.

I always prayed deeply for solitude.
I should have prayed for solace.
Solitude sucks.

It hurts after just one week,
one month or three,
like a beating,
a murder,
indecision maybe.

There's a place I used to go called the Nest.
only me and a few friends would. venture. underneath. and in.
Irony in it's name, the Nest.
But given the way that family can hurt us too,
it takes a Nest
to leave the nest
to lose the best
forget the mess
and swallow your anger and pain.

Grew indifference yes I did.
spewed hate and
mad
and
sad
for show.
However, now I know
I would never
ever
be who I am
if I had walked without a Winter Friend.

Twas the NOW before Xmas

I know all about now.
I want what I want and that would be now.
I want you to want it
I need you to want me like a cheesy song from 1982.

But now that you do...
I don't know where to take it.
Believe me I want to take it,
and I will...but where?

She told me she watched you watching me.
I knew you were there.
I felt every second.
I held your gaze for a flicker under stage lights.

She said you were salivating.
"In fact, he was like a wolf. His teeth were out."

Sitting
staring
salivating
as I
spoke
slowly
sweating
trying not to stumble over
my words as they
threaten to choke me.

I speak the way I do because I see how you are.
I know how this feels.
I feel it now.
I know all about now.

You sit and stare,
salivate
contemplate.
I stand and sway...
dizzy with the heat of your gaze.

I want to do what's taboo
because I know you do too,
and I see where and how but...
not sure about the who,
are you?

I should not be telling you this!
I should not speak it aloud.
But this is what I do 3 days before Christmas
I take the taboo and I run with it.
Say fuck it and have fun with it.

I want what you want: to be happy and sane
one day without tears,
like summer when it rains.
I wish to look up and see you walk in FOR ME.

I want to show Christmas an example:
a shine on a dime
a piece of peace,
a sparkly sample of what should be
what could be
but will never be...

OR maybe
just wait till next year because its only one more week away.

New Year's Eve 2010

12am rings a bell and we sit
toast
laugh
sing
and smoke.
Dance, laugh, throw up our hands at last year's absurdity.

Names like Cupcake, Cookiepants and plaid plaid Chone.
There 's a Turtle, a Ghostbuster and a boxer in the house,
I want the ginger and the cherry and I'm not the only one,
in creeps Angela like a sexy little mouse.
Laurie likes it and the Duke: diamond congratulations to your new life as a spouse.

There is a Case in the place banging bongos and we sing,
Kareoke-ing our way into bigger brighter things.
2 new friends from the A to the J,
a sneeze from Mac like cheese,
and in strolls Jose B?
...later maybe.

When 12 strikes struck
fill up our cups
balls drop
people kiss
grab hugs
and eat pepperoni on Bizkits.

Friends are what saves this season
from instability and tears that threaten stealing our reason.
Don't question it or second guess it,
or even wonder who why when.
All you need on this eve
are the people sitting here beside you.
friends
drinks
dance
don't think
just shake that ass.
Sing your hearts out like you just can't give a fuck.
What's the worst,
trust me it's release... it doesn't always hurt.

Toast your girl and dance with your man
if that isn't happening just take pics with the fam.
Think talk write sing,
do whatever you do...
No Worries New year's Eve,
We will see it all on You Tube.

"Just rinse 'em out. We don't need no soap."
                                               -SC
"Don't even rinse mine. Just pour it in."
                                               -AF

Deluded Birthday Wishes

Writing backwards on a graded test,
writing this every day of my life.
Waiting for a day when I would want to write anything down again,
anything besides a tale of a city of fallen wooden bridges.

12:01 and I get home and get to write.
It's been gone and I hear 50 and Shady while drinking a Budweiser can...
cuz I can
and

It only matters that I am here
on my own but not.
I'm all over everywhere just to try to find some peace,
but it's too strong a piece of...

maybe I just might want and need a piece but parallel is my specialty.
running alongside the truth till it breaks onto the road like a deer in the lights
and fucks up my car with no remorse.

yeah I get it.
I see how it feels because I've lost people too and we meld in that way.
we fit like LEGOs
like Jenga
like interlocking blocks that can't fall over when pushed.

I've been...overwhelmed.
more love friends hurt joy loss pain emotional overload
in seven small months.
more than I've seen in YEARS.

I hate when they distort what I say just because this is "bizarre shit that people can't handle"
I hate that I say it and then it gets censored
I hate when the words come out wrong.
I hate that another year has passed in this fucked up way.

We sometimes agree and you always made jokes about the 90s,
my favorite songs,
all my sneakers that you stare at in disbelief,
and when we get along its because of that little bit of black lace...REALLY?

That's what it takes?
just...lace?
amazing.

Now I see what matters
we know how it gets shattered and
twisted and ripped...like the lace.
No matter what happens we know what matters,
killing headlights drifting down the mountain while drowning in whiskey.

It was my birthday.
You asked me what I wanted to hear.
I wasn't thinking about music.
I wasn't thinking about streaming fucking mp3s.
I would've loved a compliment.

Instead i say,
Eminem I guess.
I know its like a compensation but truth is,
you don't know me so well.
Months are not years
and years it has been,
since I've had a piece of peace and the ability to embrace
my
self
descended.

After years of blindness I can see it like a bloody knife after a murder.
Some truth peeks out from under the ratty couch cushions.
Behind the baby blues and the "feel for me" look you give me,
I see love.
I really do.

The issue was never not enough love.
It was always so much more.
There is always love in me but not always on the right path.
killer smiles,
comforting hugs,
love was always with me.

But that's it.
That's all there is for us:
love,
looks,
lace,
Bud from a can,
rice and beans
an occasional pizza...
but that's it.

That's it?
Well then I guess I'll say good night.
It was MY birthday and we lived YOUR life.
For a whole day I lost myself in you and I loved it.
But I will never
Ever.
lose
myself
again.

anticipate distress

hands shake,
head quakes,
teeth twitch,
palms itch.

leaves drop turning brown,
crunch underfoot and swirl around.
skies grey threaten snow,
stormfronts coming slow.

hands sweat,
mouth is dry,
teeth grind,
where who why...

stomach knots,
cold becomes hot,
people stare,
or we imagine staring there...

unstability,
nothing is certain,
insanity,
ready to run hurtling,

direction doesn't matter,
nobody hears beads of sweat like doubt,
driving is impossible,
you want to walk run shout....

can't think in patterns,
daylight blinds your fragile orbs,
can't help being scattered,
there's no knob on the door.

how then do we get out?

Stuffing on the Brain

Though not sure what I will end up doing this week, I do realize I have to face up to Thanksgiving. Ironically, it's the first one I'm having in a new location and I don't really want to have it at all. I hear half-hearted comments and see the eye rolls of familial dread from coworkers and acquaintances who regardless of location or relationship status always have a huge family table to go to. I appreciate the attempts of good friends to invite me to their own huge family tables in an effort to lessen the thoughts assaulting me about where I will be on Thursday. I know what small family I have means well when attempting to offer "something fun" to do even though we haven't done holidays on our own in over ten years because whats the point...but really, all I've been is pissed off.

Not that I am not grateful for the attempts at consolation. Not that I don't appreciate that there are others who care about how many hours a day I spend plowing through Kleenex like a harvest of salty regret gone wrong. Not that I don't think there are those who genuinely would enjoy an extra person at the table, whether it be as a buffer for in laws or as a good deed for the occasion. Not that I don't have mental thanks to give for those who have helped me stay in existence and ...well; sane's a strong word, but you see what I mean...for the past three months. But all I really feel is pissed off.

Being from a separated and disjointed family who really doesn't merge much unless someone dies; and then only selectively, I can actually stand outside of the Seinfeld-like episodes that are holidays and days that seem to feel like I'm being Punked. Detachment used to be my inborn talent. Now it seems it may have slipped away a bit. I feel the urge to take a fully cooked and dressed bird and hurtle it through a window as a hungry family looks on. That would be something that would make me feel better these days. I could imagine laughing maniacally as in an effort to diffuse the rage someone would say "pass the peas" or "how about those ______ (insert sports team name here) and maybe I would feel a little less pissed off...maybe not.

I know I'm at a point of unreasonable emotion where I never know whether I will laugh in an inappropriate manner somewhere somber, or break into sobs at a fast food restaurant and be unable to drive for the rest of the day because my eyes have swollen to a mammoth size with mail slot slits begging to be closed. Quite inconvenient when you have a few more miles to get home and at least one person with you to drop off before you go. Unreasonable emotion that makes me wonder things like:

• Why do we even need to eat a turkey? Isn't there something else that takes less effort and is equally tasty?
• Why did I ever choose to spend this year in the place I grew up? Comfort does not lie in seeing other people's spouses children residing in  a two family Brooklyn style house with one or more sets of relatives attached...does it?
• How long will it take me to finish a book about all this because really, the fall has given me so much ammo I think there may be a series in the making?
• Is it supposed to hurt so much when it was me who decided to uproot everything that was familiar and comfortable to start again at 34 in a place that I spent most of my previous years fleeing?
• Why would anyone think I even want to commune with others in the unpredictable state my grey matter exists in and would I extend the same courtesies to someone so unstable?

Just some thoughts that keep dancing through my head. Just a few of the ones I can actually make public without severing ties further. Just some...stuffing that fills my head like bread up the turkey's metaphorical ass. And if I couldn't write these down...Turkey Flies through Living Room Window Onto Busy Street, Killing Two, Injuring Seven ...

Or we could just all choose to stay home. The possibilities are endless.

Broken Autumn

You think you are OK.
You drive through a place that makes your eyes well up.
You think it will pass.
It doesn't pass.

They say it will hurt less to walk in the park,
But the radio assaults you with songs of other people's strife and joy,
Both stab with the same vengeance,
They say to play CDs and you find one that is safe.

People think you are insane,
Because Green Day loops 24/7 on your car stereo,
You can't risk FM anymore,
You don't bother with mascara.

Fall turns red and yellow,
Trees color your vision like a murder,
Stains of gold orange red that burn holes in your corneas,
You can't look at foliage because you used to love leaf peeping.

Scents of raked leaves and pumpkins on window sills,
Sweaters and hockey season throttle you like kicks to the stomach,
Kids trick or treat and you pull up the covers,
Friends pick apples and you just go numb.

The thought of a turkey has you dropping five more pounds without even trying,
The thought of creating family where there is a hole equates bile and throbbing head,
One suggestion to travel asks for cringing at the thought of other people's joy,
But you want to run: that's a constant.

As leaves turn darker and the colors start to fade,
You wonder what you will do with a whole winter.
Dark when you leave for work,
Dark when you get home at night.

Dark despite the lights that are supposed to dispel the specters from corners,
Dark despite candles that are supposed to keep you hopeful but only smell like what used to be home,
Dark despite half-hearted encouragement shrouded by doubt,
Dark despite the idea that new beginnings are supposed to be light.

Where does darkness lie though?
Is it in your heart or really just the season that hurts,
stabs like knives,
wrenches like sickles and sews your eyes.

When the source is revealed,
It should be shared with someone who hides from the smells and sights and breezes of autumn,
Because it only gets darker,
As Winter drags on.